TO ALL THE GIRLS I HAVE EVER LOVED

We all have stories to tell, nightmares to forget, and fairy-tales yet to come true. Love is supposed to be magical, soothing, and peace-giving. Over time, it only turns chaotic and yields longer-lasting regrets than worthy memories. I have had my fair share of this feeling and concluded that I wasn’t built for it. Do I believe in love? No! Did I believe in love? Hell yeah! I am nowhere near the best of guys, but I have been lucky enough to have experienced a number of heart-ships—yes, those that make you unconsciously stupid. Those that make you want to cry because you’re thinking about someone late at night in the middle of June. I have had to escape from home some days just to go and see someone. I did have to lie to my boys sometimes in order to go and check on another. Even with lectures, I skipped a few to cuddle someone till the sun was out angry. Yes, I have had my fair share of that fairytale, but I have also lived long enough to witness it all burn to the ground. I have watched the sweet greetings fade; I have witnessed dying conversations and dry texts; and yes, I have seen the love emoji turn into three dots. I have seen ‘babe’ turn into Ogwang. I have seen love turn into hate and eventually strangers. I have seen it all fade away eventually. Though it is never delivered in one package, character development comes in a slow, gradual, but painful manner. To all the girls I have ever loved, you made me an angel and a monster too. My heartfelt apologies to those who had to endure the demon they met till they could no more. You deserved better, hunnies.

Back in my primary days, innocence was only a word, but the heart wanted what it wanted. A, I haven’t seen you around since primary; how’re you doing? Do you still remember me? I doubt you do since you hardly noticed me. Just to let you know, you were my drive through those tough days of child bullying. I would’ve probably changed schools, but I stayed despite all the rubbish I had to take on a daily basis. Seeing your face every morning guaranteed a good day ahead. You had the smile of an angel, and your dimples made you look like an art piece, one where the artist poured all his emotions into. You never once acknowledged my feelings, and that’s alright because I didn’t tell you about them. You were always in your own world, being pretty with those dark spots around your eyes. It wasn’t worth your time. You probably had your eyes on others. I can’t blame you, though; I wouldn’t have noticed me either. I did try to show you with my eyes, but I should’ve probably concentrated on cooling and taking more porridge then. I was only young.

B. Lower school was tough for me, alright? A new environment and culture. Everything else came at me so fast. My self-esteem was 6 feet deep. Adapting and navigating through the tides of puberty, unable to approach a girl or even make friends, you noticed me without much effort, and you were not shy to show it. You smiled at me every time we locked eyes. I had no option but to develop feelings for you. True, you were it, but now that I look back, it was probably because I was only craving attention, and yes, you were really light-skinned too. It still hurts me that it didn’t last because you were chopped to another campus. I really thought that I was finally making my mark in high school, but shame on you, London College.

C, phew! I told you not long ago that I wish I had more confidence back then; maybe we would’ve hit off. Some still believe that we have something up-to-date. I remember being called by your name back in our dormitory. I know it was cheap, but it meant gold back then. We also talked a lot, smiled, and looked at each other like we wanted to lock lips every time, but we didn’t, probably because I never made any moves. A funny one here; I still believe I showed you every sign that I actually loved you. The way I talked to you and how I always paid special attention to you. I concluded that you were the blind one. A stupid consolation, I know. I was wrong; you probably only wanted to hear me ask you out or even say that I loved you. That, I couldn’t offer. I didn’t have the courage yet. I am glad we are still best friends, and I hope we do kiss someday. Kidding!

Okay. D, you hurt me, though. You were a demon clothed in white linen with horns similar to wings. You lied to me and never really felt any remorse for it. But I loved you; oh yes, I did. I was in love with a South Sudanese goddess. You had the smile of a pageant—that smile that never really displayed your snowy teeth but still shot stray at anyone it landed on. Your eyes were not just bright; they were as sharp. They lit up my mood with every single glimpse I caught. Even though I was performing quite poorly then, your presence made up for it. Was I a fool? Not yet. When I first asked you out with my eyes, you didn’t look hesitant, but you kept me at bay, sort of on a waiting list. I thought it was a game ladies liked to play. I kept my cool, gathered composure, and finally texted you those very words during the holidays. Like an expectant child, you immediately said ‘yes’

Funnily enough, I asked you out when I was already seeing someone. Of course I didn’t tell you this, but I had had her for close to two years then. Your smile had gradually erased her from my mind. I had ignored it until I gave in to you. Because of you, I birthed a monster when I told her that I was tired of her and that I never loved her a bit. I wasn’t aware of what you had in store for me. I was always a man of many words, but every time I spent with you, I mumbled like a 2-year-old learning to speak. Probably because looking at you made me wonder if I was in a dream. D, you stopped me from talking to my best friend and C back then. You said that you didn’t like the way they interacted with your 'man’. Damn you, D! It even got weird between my boys and me, all because I was madly in love with you. You remember that one guy you said was your ‘best friend’? Oh yes, that very guy I caught you making out with that night. You made me cry that night, by the way. You shamelessly said, ‘It wasn’t what I thought it was’. What was it, then? A discussion? Hell no. That night, I told you that it was over, not knowing that I had been dating myself since day one. I was such a fool.

For two months, I kept looking at the sheets you gave me; every night, I replayed your smiles in my dreams. I had to make them blurrier each and every time because you had ripped my heart apart. I was told yesterday that even though we were dating, you kept telling your friends that I was only a friend. The way you looked at me said otherwise, though. You always looked at me like I was going to father your kids and said they would be half-caste, something like South Sugandans. Even the worst storms always calm down; you didn't, though. You literally started dating that very guy just weeks after you shuttered me. You even combined names and plastered them on a class jersey! It was expected, though, but you didn’t have to wait until I ordered a class jersey with our combined name. I recall the day I received that jersey. I almost chewed it up in pain. I also recall that prom night, when your ‘babe’ didn’t return to school, you still had the audacity to send for me to stand in for him as your prom date. A substitute is what you labelled me, babe. Wow! Wow! Wow! Anyway, I heard you’re doing great now. I heard you have kids too, and they don’t look anything like me. They aren’t even half-cast. I still need leverage, though. I haven’t forgotten a bit. I am the monster you made.

Hey E, thank you for that scarf. But you didn’t have to send the ‘police’ after me like I had just stolen it. I stayed with it longer because it was always beside my pillow. I realized that I only loved your perfume. It saved me from my thoughts, from my pain, and from D.

F, you were only a kickback, and I was desperate to show D that I was happy without her. I actually liked you a little, though. But you probably liked it sweet and vanilla. You preferred the man to get on his knees and beg a bit. I know my boys who would. I’d rather shut my dick in a car door than do that. You thought playing hard to catch would hype me up some more, but no, I left. You didn’t deserve how I ghosted you. I am sorry.

G! It is only justifiable that I start by apologizing for whatever I put you through. I will always mean it when I say that you didn’t deserve any of those. You were the prettiest of them all, and you had a heart of gold. You are someone who inspires me every day to date, and I am truly sorry that I made you feel any less back then. Most times, I was the victim, but in your story, I am the villain. One I am personally not proud of. You were an all-round individual, brilliant and intelligent in all aspects of life. It's still sad we didn’t have those kids; they would’ve probably ruled this world. Falling for you was nowhere as expected, for you looked like someone I had to kneel to just to get a word from. The way you always upheld yourself made me feel like I wasn’t deserving of your attention. But blame character development episodes for our first eye contact. From that moment on, I knew we were meant for each other. You made me feel loved, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. You called me King when you actually meant it. You noticed every one of my low moments and did everything to lighten up my mood. I taught you the lyrics to ‘I’m the One’ because I believed you were the one who would finally offer me the healing I had craved for a long time. You brought me peace, G. Maybe if you were performing a little bit better, then I wouldn’t have an excuse to let you go.

“I have to let you concentrate on your studies.” What was I even thinking to utter such nonsense? You were such a fighter and a lover that you still kept on texting and calling me even though I ignored you. I still wish I would take back time and rewrite our story, Dove. Maybe we would’ve finally ended up as destiny wished. That morning, we exchanged texts. I wish I could erase it from my head. I wish I didn’t have a phone in my hand at that very moment. Maybe things wouldn’t have turned out this badly. You told me that you had forgiven me, but we both know that you still hate me deeply. You still say that memories of me disgust you. You do wish you could wake up with amnesia and forget about all those stupid little things. The little things that made you smile and those that made you cry. You told me that you cursed me at that very moment. Fair and square is probably the reason I have fumbled many baddies since then. I am sorry that I trashed those birthday chocolates and card you gave me back then, on April 18th. I still wish I had eaten them instead. You loved me dearly, but I messed up. I messed up, G.

But this is no excuse; I was only a broken child, one who thought it was cool to create more monsters in an already crazy world. I was wrong, and I’ll always tell you this whenever I get the chance. I am sorry that I broke your innocent heart and turned your pretty smile into a heavy frown. You’re a queen, and you’ll always be the one; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I still have those sheets you used to send me, by the way. I read them to feel nostalgic and less guilty whenever you cross my mind. You made me realise that in a world full of monsters, it is only a fool who will create more monsters. Many years of short flings and dings kept me sane because I vowed never to date until I was healed and more mature. I needed to not break anyone anymore. G, you taught me that. It dawned on me that I may not be responsible for other people’s actions towards me but that I was solely in charge of my actions towards others. I may have doubts about love, yes, but I still believe that there are genuine people out there, those whose hearts have been ripped out multiple times but who still chose to love again. Those people are the real heroes.

H, you said that you read the letter that I wrote to you last month and that it made you smile. You also said that it gave you mixed feelings. Well, that’s all I ever wanted. I want you to be happy because of me. Arigato Guzaimasu.

I, J, K,... We haven’t met yet, but I hope we will be good to each other when fate crosses our paths. I hope we all love Arsenal deeply and that we all vibe to EDM. I hope that you’ll be patient enough to teach me how to love again. Personally, I am learning and growing every day to be a better man, a better friend, and yes, a better lover. I probably still need more lessons, but surely I am done teaching. I wasn’t cut out for it. I was not anywhere near perfect, and these are just my thoughts. Maybe we will share stories one day. Till then, I remain...

Yours faithfully,

The Imperfect Lover