“If you don’t face your demons, they’ll eat you alive”
30 minutes in and I still have nothing to pen down. I thought I would summarize up ‘The Imperfect Teenager’ but it seems it is still not perfect enough. I opened the ‘The Imperfect Lover’ and I couldn’t add a word to it. All because I was tasked to write a piece out of pure inspirations. Unlike my other pieces that are only a representation of my demons, my inner rage and my underlying pain, this piece is probably my stepping stone to untainted happiness I think! This is ‘The Perfect Shorts.’
Well, this is me. I am governed by a trio-ture; nature, nurture and lecture. By nature, I am a geek and a sucker for attention. Most times my emotions get the better of me and I tend to cry alot when reality hits home, some late nights the middle of April. My self-esteem is probably next to nothing though my smiles are genuine, they equate to my tears as well plus I am scared most times. I’m a lover not a fighter and sadly, I am a perfectionist too. I tread carefully because I hate mistakes, I love my mum and I live for my siblings for they’re my sole purpose in this life thing. I am a believer and no fan of Karma’s because I know everything happens for a reason.
By nurture, I was raised to say a lot of ‘thank you’s and always accompany them with a wide smile. I was told to address an elder as ‘madam or sir’, I was taught to appreciate every little salt that found its way into my hands and that nothing comes out of good luck because everything has to be earned, even my own name. I was told that discipline and obedience will take me places even self-will could not. I was told to love unconditionally because love is what makes us humans but also that the world hated me for being me and that I had to carry a happy face all the time. I was told that I had to put others first even if it meant sacrificing my peace and happiness.
By lecture, I had to teach myself a lot of things too, I had to undo some parts of myself to seek sanity. I learnt when to pick up a crayon and draw smile on my face and also when to shade a tear. When to hold on and when to let go. I taught myself to smile along bullshit and also when to say ‘nah, that’s enough!’ I taught myself that people are temporary and you don’t have to lay all your trusts on them. I learnt that expectations are the only reason as to why I and we get hurt, why we get frustrated, why we get disappointed! I taught myself to cut out expectations. Expectations for anyone and of everything. For if I don’t expect, I don’t hurt. I came, I saw love and I concluded that it doesn’t exist. Instead I saw a temporary fantasy that hypnotizes us for a short while and after the bubble burst, we have nothing but hurt to show for it. Heartbreaks? I noticed that we don’t even blame those that broke us in the first place, we blame ourselves for letting down our guard for them and we cannot heal unless we forgive us, until we learn to love us first. I also learnt that marriage is partly an hoax for a man only marries a lady he can tolerate, a lady that can turn his house into a home. And on the other hand, a lady marries a provider, not a joker. Yes strictly. None of this is because of love even at first it may seem like it. Because once the fantasy culminates, all that is left is just two strangers sharing a bed. The brave ones stay for the sake of the children, some call it quit and let the children decide which side hurts less. Marrying for love? Goodluck.
Friendships? Some are actually genuine. Growing up with a lot of trust issues made me doubt a lot though. I was suspicious of everyone that tried to come close. I always recognized it as a gradual death because anyone you let your guard down for and your trust into, inevitably possesses the key to your pain-store. But as life went on, I realized that some people are actually genuine, they actually love you for you without any hidden motives. Some people out there actually care for you than you can ever imagine. I taught myself when and to whom I would open my gates and lower my guard down for. For this, I taught myself to ask for and give loyalty not love. Loyalty is eternal, love is temporary.
Happiness? Growing up as a kid in a perfectly not so ‘well-doing’ neighborhood, I believed that money was the game changer. I hoped that money would help one attain true happiness. I was only naive. Later on, I realized that it wasn’t just money, it was contentment. If I were to ever be contented then I’ll have achieved true happiness. But I was probably wrong again. One day I woke up with a wide smile and I watched it fade overnight, through that moment, I realized that happiness is never an end goal, it’s a process. It cannot be achieved but it can be felt. I learnt that happiness comes around and goes away anytime, so I taught myself to embrace every peace and smile. That I have to hold on them as memories to take me through the hard days. I learnt true happiness is the One Piece.
Life? I won’t talk about you. You hurt me though.
Perfectionism? Again, I am a perfectionist. A cancer that gradually develops in one’s mind. Growing up as a first born of five, I hardly had and still have any room for mistakes. I had to calculate every move I made and know all the possible consequences just in-case. I had to maintain the perfect grades (position one in class) way back from lower school because failure to do so meant that dad would flog me. Whether it meant praying for my competitors’ failure or hiding a bad report, I did so, I recall rejoicing in Primary six because one of my tight makers had started to indulge adolescent relationships. I beat her in the finals anyway. And yes I’m not proud. Perfectionism made me greedy, it made me mean and worse of all, it sent me into depression. Mistakes are inevitable because a bundle of them is what makes up a perfect lesson. I had pressure from myself, my family, my friends and even strangers to live my life a certain way, to do certain things even if they didn’t please me. And once in while, whenever I failed miserably, I could hardly pick myself up again. I sunk deeper and deeper each and every time I made a mistake but that was then. Now, I only say ‘fuck it, I’m only human’. The most important thing is the lesson learnt from it.
I had told myself that this piece will not have any element of pain in it but now I don’t know if it made me sad or happy. I didn’t drop a tear though, so to me, that’s good enough. These are only my opinions, some are right and others are arguably wrong. Don’t judge me yet, for its only my nature, how I was nurtured and what I lectured myself.
~ The imPerfect Writer
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