MY PRAYER

Dear Father,

I would say it has been a while since I last spoke to you, but that would not be entirely true. The truth is, I have been lost for a long time now. I have continuously strayed away from your path, chasing a kind of healing I convinced myself I would find somewhere along the way. Years have passed, and when I look back, I cannot point to much growth. All I seem to see is pain, heartbreak, a collection of letters, and a long trail of regrets that follows me everywhere I go.

I have written to almost everyone I felt connected to my story. People I believed I owed explanations, and people I thought owed me the same. I have opened myself up in ways that left me exposed, apologizing more times than I can count to those I have hurt. I have written seeking closure, even when I knew deep down that some doors would never open again. Yet after all that, I still find myself in the same place – empty, restless, and unable to hold onto something that feels like peace or even a moment of lasting happiness.

For the longest time, I blamed it on things I could not see or fully understand. I blamed demons, the kind that have no faces and no voices. It was easier to hold them accountable than to confront myself. At some point, I even convinced myself I had made peace with them, as if naming them would somehow give me control. But they always seem to return. And lately, I have started to question whether they were ever separate from me at all. Maybe I am the one creating them. Maybe I am the one sabotaging myself.

Because if I am being honest, Father, I cannot ignore the pattern anymore. It is always me. The same cycle, over and over again. I fall deeply in love, I give my all, I move mountains for someone, and then something just shifts. One day I wake up, and the same person who meant everything to me suddenly feels distant, almost like a stranger. And just like that, I am the one saying it is not working anymore. I hide behind reasons like “she deserves better,” but the truth is, I do not understand why I cannot stay.

It has forced me to ask myself questions I have been avoiding. Am I unworthy of love? Am I incapable of sustaining something real? Or am I the one breaking the very thing I claim to want?

I have tried to trace this back to where it all began. I thought about Victoria. Maybe she played a part, but we were only young and naive. She may have hurt that young boy who blindly believed in true affection and shaped how I see love, but it would not be fair to place everything on her. We were both just trying to figure life out. Its not even that because the bitter truth is, she had choices and unfortunately, I wasn’t one of them.

Then there was Virginia. I cannot place this on her either. She was kind, and if anything, I may have been the one who hurt her more. I betrayed her trust and made her feel less of herself. But yes, I heard she is married now, happy, living a life that seems stable. That is something I struggle to even picture for myself.

Dove crossed my mind too. I have carried guilt there, but I have apologized more times than I can count. I have asked for forgiveness from her and from you, and I truly meant it every time. Still, even after all that, I find myself stuck in the same cycle.

So, I am left with myself.

And that is the hardest truth to sit with.

I thought I had healed. I thought I had outgrown my past. I believed I was ready to love properly, but my actions keep proving otherwise. Nothing seems to have changed. I still lose the love. I still walk away. I still leave people hurt and confused, including myself.

Sometimes I wonder if it goes deeper than I am willing to admit. Maybe it traces back to my late dad. One day he was there, and the next, he was gone. No warning, no explanation. Just absence. That kind of experience leaves a mark. It makes you question stability, question love, question how long anything is meant to last.

Maybe that is why I struggle to stay. Maybe a part of me believes that everyone eventually leaves, so I leave first. Maybe I run before I can be abandoned. Maybe I do not trust that anything good can last, so I subconsciously bring it to an end.

And then there is another side of me that I cannot ignore. The part that craves excitement. The thrill, the rush, the beginning of something new. I come alive in those moments. I enjoy the chase, the spark, the intensity. But when things settle, when they become calm and stable, something in me disconnects. I lose that feeling, and with it, I lose the relationship.

I have asked myself why I cannot recreate that excitement in something steady. Why I cannot look at someone I love and continue choosing them, even when things are no longer new. I do not have an answer for that, and that uncertainty scares me.

At some point, I even questioned whether there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Whether I am wired in a way that makes it impossible for me to experience love the way others do. But I do not want to believe that. I do not want to accept that this is all I will ever be.

That is why I am here, Father.

Not because I have everything figured out, but because I clearly do not. Not because I have been perfect, but because I know I have fallen short in ways that hurt others and myself. I am here because I am tired. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Tired of the cycle, tired of starting over, tired of running from something I cannot fully understand.

I need your help.

I need you to remind me that I am not beyond redemption. That I am not broken beyond repair. That even in this state, I am still your child. I want to find my way back to you, not just in words, but in how I live and how I love.

I want to learn how to stay. To be present without feeling the urge to escape. To experience love not just in its intensity, but in its consistency. I want to be able to build something and not feel the need to destroy it when it becomes real.

I know there are things I can work on, and I will continue trying. But there are also parts of me that I do not fully understand, parts I cannot fix on my own. Those are the parts I am placing in your hands.

Teach me what I do not know. Heal what I cannot reach. Guide me where I cannot see clearly.

Father, I want to be your son again.

Teach me to love the way you love.

In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen

Derick.