Some things are easier to get than hold on to, like money, friendship, or love. Finding love is easy, but staying in love? I’m still trying to figure out how hard it can get. I think I have always been that good guy, that friendly guy, even though I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I have dated a few women over the years who came, saw, and realised that they couldn’t concur my constant demons. They always said that I was an easy catch because they fell in love first. I’m pretty sure your friends told you the same but you played deaf and dumb because you were lost in my magic. Every one of you seemed to want one thing I could not offer. Commitment! This is something I cannot even give to my own self. A nemesis I call it. Apio, you wanted that from the very go. Same with Al, and Virginia and Vicky too. You sought for the impossible and paid a blindfold to everything else I offered you, Loyalty.
And now I am being haunted. Haunted by your ghost, your sweet voice. Your face can’t seem to leave my mind. I gave up because I always thought it would an ‘easy come easy go’ like your predecessors. Was I wrong? I convinced myself that I was right. But could it be though, that you had eventually caught me in your net. Could it be that I had fallen in love with your pretty self. It is possible but my ego says otherwise. I did keep off the dating scene for 8 years and I had always told myself that I am invincible, that not even Mother Mary could make me catch feelings. I am not saying that I had developed feelings for you but just that when you left me on blue-ticks that night, something inside of me felt broken, my heart? I doubt. I did think that it was just another episode of our usual-almost-daily fights you know, because we hardly called or texted since I had continuously convinced myself that I was too busy-too busy to be bae! Months later, it dawned on me that, it wasn’t even about time, and it was me. I was scared. I was scared of losing you. I was scared that I wasn’t the only man you were talking to. My instincts man! They told me that there was a shadow larking in the background. Was I wrong though? I don’t know but you started dating barely weeks after those blue-ticks? But no worries, this is my script and today is not your day. Not yet.
Where was I? Oh yes! We always had those identical fights, every night. One full hour of me saying ‘sorry’ without knowing why and you very much knew I am not a fighter. You forced me to always spew the same nonsense about not being good enough for you and that you should find someone else. I always said that I cannot do this anymore and you always laughed it off and told me not to bring other people into our business. I always told you that if you ever felt like I wasn’t worth your time anymore. That you should let me know respectfully instead of ghosting me since I had my past issues with attention. Apio, you didn’t warn me though. You did the exact thing I told you not to. You went ahead and blue-ticked me. At least you could have said a plain ‘Okay’. I opened our chats every restless night that went by for two weeks before I eventually deleted it. I had to lie to myself that you had lost your phone that night after you saw my text. But I was wrong. You had tolerated my immaturity for a while until you could not any more.
The thing is, I don’t even blame you a bit. I messed up, and now I wish I had the luxury of being bitter or angry—anything but this feeling of guilt and this sense of loss. But I want you to know that you were perfect. A 10 in my books, I failed to keep up with the pressure of securing an A+. It is still funny when people ask me, “How’s your baby?” I am speechless, not because I have no answer, but because I am ashamed of how weak I was. I am ashamed of my own instincts. They messed me up like every other time, but they are my demons, and I’ll always follow them.
Let’s roll it back a little. It was the 10th of September, at around 9am when my boy had reposted a calm selfie on WhatsApp status and captioned it, ‘Ogwang is searching again!’ Your pretty fingers could not resist replying, ‘Give him to me’. Brother texted me a screenshot, and I immediately approved you. I did tell him that I like Acholi ladies too. That was me thinking this would just be one of those talking stages that gave up dust a few days in. He forwarded your contact information, and I was a bit hesitant to text you because I was only fresh from another fruitless jazz session with this one lady. Later on, while in office, as I scrolled through your Instagram, I got the urge to say hello. If I had known that one word would put me up to this, I would have declined then. You replied and said that you already knew who I was. It felt like we had known each other for decades. Two texts in, I was in dire shock when you asked whether I was single. I have always told myself that my weakness is being a straight-forward lady. But you scared me to the brim. I thought my casual ‘yes’ to your question would yield a few more lines before we eventually became friends and status viewers. But no, you went ahead and asked if we could date. Wow! You asked if I was okay with it. I said Yes again because a gentlemen never says No. The only thing I knew about you was your full name, your face on IG. A frequent lady on your IG who I later got to know was your best friend and some other nigha who was always next to you on your birthday posts. You said he was your best friend too. But f*ck that.
Remember when I asked you one day if it was a bad thing that we skipped our talking stage? Yes. I did it because I was scared that we were hitting a dead end, and I still didn’t know anything about us or about you. I always had a feeling that you would leave me. I’m such a baby!
Fast forward to when I left you instead. I left because I had eventually seen your angle. You seemed actually serious about us, even though you didn’t show it wholly. A hard guy like me was on phone calls for close to 3 hours a night. All these things didn’t make sense to me. I had finally cracked, but you wanted full commitment that I could not offer. I have always been that ‘enjoy the moment’ guy. Embracing every one of those moments as they came and went. Perhaps that’s why you were always fighting, it was because you wanted something which was impossible. You wanted pork from a cow. You spent every minute we were together looking at the future. It made you forget every moment I made you smile. Perhaps if you had considered those as well, you wouldn’t have left me on blue-ticks.
I told you we were done because of something you had told me the previous night. I couldn’t tell it straight to you on a phone call because your voice always weakened me and made me fall in love with you more each and every time we spoke. So I had to text you ‘We are done’ early in the morning before you woke up because they say that breakfast is best served hot. This followed with a few days of your teary phone calls, those late night calls and texts that I always ignored, a call from your workmate saying that you showed up at work drinking, you even made me talk to your sibling. The blind-me believed that you actually loved me and alas I said I’m sorry and that we had to get back together. I still have you silhouette but I think I’ll delete it now. From that day, you changed, you stopped the constant fights, you didn’t check up on me even for days when I wasn’t online. You said that you were being understanding of my busy schedule. I convinced myself that I made you fall out of love with me. It made me miss you more. But was it really my fault though? Did you do all that to get back to me so you could be the one in the kitchen the next time?
Maybe one day you’ll reply to those blue-ticks and tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that I wasn’t just your type. Maybe that would then drive away this guilt that I haven’t matured any bit since Vicky made me a monster. Maybe you’ll tell me exactly why you left or was I only your 8th?
Here’s the thing.
I was always full of myself. Not like I thought I was special, no not that. I’m personally just an okay guy. What I’m trying to say is, I thought life gives you innumerable chances like you always gave me. Stupid, I know! I really thought that if one lane doesn’t work out, you can just find another, easily. That when a girl leaves you, you can just find another to fill that space. Three talking stages in now and I still miss you. These other ones are just boring I nudge myself. I knew you were special from the very moment I got to know you and I thought we would go on to accomplish greater things for as far I could see. You often talked about marriage, said you wanted to see my mum and that you wanted a baby sooner and I always joked back saying ‘with another man maybe’. Crazy times! After years of shoving feelings away, I got to experience love with you. Overtime I became vulnerable. But then I still believed that I could get these very butterflies from another lady provided we didn’t work out. The universe is pretty f*cked up though. It dictated and we eventually didn’t work out but I lost love again, forever maybe. Every girl I meet now just wonders in your shadow. It hurts me to admit that you were it and that I blew it.
Let me talk about you for a just a second. When I first saw you, I saw a cold but calm lady. One that walks into a room and everyone goes mute, not because they’re jealous but because they envy what God did on you. I wondered where you got all that energy for phone-call fights and yet you couldn’t even hurt an ant in person. I liked that you weren’t ever afraid to admit vulnerability, that you trusted me with your secrets. That you were always honest with me. On the contrary, I lied a lot and at this point I think it is only valid that I say ‘I’m Sorry’
Maybe I was right about you deserving someone better, not a two-faced monster who stayed around because he had missed that kind of attention you gave him. A monster who missed love and only clung around to see where this would end. I’m sorry that I chose Arsenal over you. They probably will not even win any trophy this season because I’m pretty sure you already cursed them that night because of me. But yes, I am growing, physically and psychologically. I am learning and unlearning every day. You were a chapter in my book that I may never forget but I don’t regret what we shared. I have been hoping that somebody loves in the ways that I couldn’t. That somebody is taking care of all the mess I made. Someone you don’t have to change. I wish you all the best Apio.
Yours faithfully,
The Imperfect Writer
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